slow road to recovery
yesterday my friend psychoanalyzed me
he was compiling data
in the name of science
or so he said
I was a good candidate
I would tell him anything he asked
and he praised me for being such an open book
cleaning the slate
empyting my head
I let the good and the ugly fall from my mouth
between cigarettes
breathing smoke rings
until my breath got all sucked out
Some gifts I kept
just to have a warm secret
for me to revel in
while I was in my slow recovery
and
some demons I kept
just to have a sleazy leer
for me to glance at
over my shoulder
when I went walking after dark
but then there was something different
in the way I arranged objects around my house
the air stayed stagnant until today
and all things felt so empty
because you summarized it all into two sentences
and when I was wasn't looking
they documented it all with ten photographs
so now i'm wondering
how i'm ever going to recover myself again
posted by Anita @ 9:46 PM
5 Comments:
You've already started.
when i was in grade twelve my dad made me go see the psychologist at his work, and after much discussion i was diagnosed as a compulsive risk-taker. the psychologist said it was crucial for me to organize my life in a more structured way or else i might create problems for myself and others. i thought he was nuts, and i set out to do the complete oppposite. i have had plenty of ups and downs since then, but i'm glad i never listened to his advice. who does psychoanalysis benefit anyway? it seems to me that the people who get satisfaction and financial reward for "figuring you out" are the only ones who benefit. you're just left with more questions...
update: 90% recovery has been attained. not sure if when or how the other 10% will return. might be in the form of a demon.
anita.
i had forgotten about your blog...
this poem is gorgeous.
somehow recovery reminds me of a fish that somehow manages to get away, hook pierced flesh and the diaphanous thread of fishing line still attached, that hook stays but you still swim.
wow thanks for the great comments. just as a disclaimer, my blog exists on the sole premise that nobody ever looks at it. so i post shitty things and then repost them all over again. im sure nobody notices or cares.
cara, its true you never really recover, or at least the hooks still pull at you from time to time, reminding you of that lost fish. That damned lost fish. If I would have eaten it at the time it wouldn't be pulling at my lure in times of weakness. Damned fish.
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